Tuesday, April 06, 2004

 

Organized Crime Religion

A great recipe for turning a narrow-minded opinion into divine morality starts with a quote from the good book (and I'm not talking about In Me Own Words: The Autobiography of Bigfoot):

And behold, one came to Him and said, "Teacher, what good things shall I do that I might attain eternal life?" And He said to him. "Why are you asking Me about what is good? There is only One who is good; but if you wish to enter into life keep the commandments." He said to him, "Which ones?" And Jesus said, "You shall not commit murder; You shall not commit adultery; You shall not steal; You shall not bear false witness; Honor your father and mother; and You shall love your neighbor as yourself." The young man said to Him, "all these thing I have kept; what am I still lacking?" Jesus said to him. "If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you shall have treasure in heaven: and come, follow Me." But when the young man heard this statement, he went away grieved; for he was one who owned much property. And Jesus said to His disciples, "truly I say to you, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. "And again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." And when the disciples heard this, they were astonished and said, "Then who can be saved?" And looking upon them Jesus said to them, "with men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." (Matthew 19:16-26)

So here is my plan...no campaign. Heck, make it a crusade! Since Easter is approaching, why not sneak into The Passion Of The Christ? That's right, sneak your way in. Or if you can't technically sneak in directly to the show, pay for one movie (like the reissue of the Life of Brian, check your local listings), watch the shit out of it and then slide into the other theatre for a double feature. The main goal is to not add another cent to the already accumulated $330.0 million. That's well over a quarter of a billion dollars and it may even topple Titantic as the highest grossing film, which would suck because way more people died to make that Hollywood blockbuster #1 (of course, I am not counting all the deaths associated with Christianity...my calculator only has 8 digits and that is really another story for another time).

It is difficult to imagine Jesus would be impressed by anyone besides televangelists and fat cat priests profiting off his agonizing death, which fits with my firmly held belief that his real second coming would not be available on pay-per-view. Especially when you skip the bulk of the inspiring stuff and focus on just the grueling torture of the stations of the cross (do you smell a prequel?). And I understand the importance of art, but we should remember that we are talking about Mad "Movie Star" Max here. Let's not encourage him.

Now, I know what you are thinking. You are saying to yourself, "Self, I shall not stealeth moving images from the holy screen of my neighbourhood multi-plex." Well, this is where we can have fun with context, just like bible thumpers do. But let's use the dictionary:

theft: \Theft\, n. [OE. thefte, AS. [thorn]i['e]f[eth]e, [thorn][=y]f[eth]e, [thorn]e['o]f[eth]e. See Thief.] 1. (Law) The act of stealing; specifically, the felonious taking and removing of personal property, with an intent to deprive the rightful owner of the same; larceny. Note: To constitute theft there must be a taking without the owner's consent, and it must be unlawful or felonious; every part of the property stolen must be removed, however slightly, from its former position; and it must be, at least momentarily, in the complete possession of the thief. Source: Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc.

You will sleep at night knowing that you aren't really stealing, just borrowing with your eyes. There will still be plenty of "Passion" juice to go around once you had your gulp of it. Of course, your dreams may be interrupted by violent images of blood and guts and the inherent cruelty of humankind may haunt your soul for eternity, but that is your problem. Or the media's. I haven't quite figured out that part yet.

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